I’m two months post-op. Just 9 weeks ago, I found myself lying on the bathroom floor thinking I was going to die of a heart attack and it seems hard to believe that two months have already gone by. I don’t think I’ve ever had two months of my life where I have done so little- just simply resting, sleeping and trying to piece together all that has happened since January.  My strength is growing, confidence in my heart is slowly getting better- overall, my body is healing. It is truly amazing how resilient our bodies can be. But how about our emotional well being? Is that as quick to heal?

There are times when my arms physically ache to carry our baby. I must admit, what touches my heart more than seeing infants or pregnant bellies, is when I see siblings interacting. I just want that so badly- especially for Daisy. She craves a sibling with every inch of her body. And so Ethan and I are once again considering other ways to grow our family. We know that we can not have a biological child- it could be very dangerous for me to get pregnant again. So our thoughts turn to other ways of adding a child to our home- adoption and surrogacy. There are so many children in the world in need of love and protection. We know we can provide that. We’ve been doing research on domestic and international adoption and on surrogacy and embryo donation. We are trying to decide if we have it in us to start this process. I feel very protective of Daisy and want to be sure we are intentional about any child we bring into our family.

The whole reason I started this blog 2.5 years ago was to see if there was anyone, anywhere who could help us with Ezra’s diagnosis. Over the years, it has turned into a cathartic way for me to both document our experience and keep our community updated on how things are going.  And now after our most recent losses, I am thankful for the opportunity to once again reach out and see if there is anyone out there who can help us. I have heard about serendipitous scenarios where a woman is seeking an adoptive family for her baby and is connected with a couple looking to adopt. Or where a woman is interested in being a surrogate and is looking for a family who cannot get pregnant on their own to work with. I would like to think that by putting it out into the universe that we would love to add to our family, somehow a connection can be made.

It is important to me to express how incredibly grateful we are for our Daisy. I recognize that there are many, many couples who struggle with having even one child.  Some may think, “these people should just be happy with the child they have”. And we are. Every. Single. Day. Ethan and I constantly say to each other how very lucky we are to have Daisy in our lives. She is our miracle child. And if adoption and surrogacy do not work out, our family of 3 will continue to hold each other close and be thankful for each day we have together.

xo