I have been trying to write a blog post for months. The bottom line is that I just don’t think anyone wants to read “I miss my boy. My heart is broken” over and over and over again… As hard as it is to believe, we are coming up on the one year anniversary of Ezra’s death- February 5th. It is incredibly surreal that we lived through that moment of him dying, let alone survived an entire year.

Today marks the 14th anniversary of my mom’s death. 14 years. How does time pass so quickly? I definitely remember the days, weeks and months after my mom died- I felt so strange in my own skin. It was like I was constantly having an out of body experience. The world around me was essentially the same, but every cell in my body felt different. I was 24.

My mom had melanoma skin cancer on top of her head when I was in high school. She did some type of intensive treatment and the cancer went into remission for 10 years. When it resurfaced, it had metastasized into brain cancer and took her in one week. One week. She entered the hospital and her body quickly shut down. One week. We had no time to process what was happening and it still seems unbelievable.

The other night, I found myself thinking about what if my mom had been alive this past year. What if she’d had to witness me losing my child. I think it would have torn her apart. As a parent, seeing my child sad or feeling powerless to help is the worst feeling in the universe.  While thinking about this, for a split second, my initial thought was I’m so glad I have not yet had to witness my child experiencing heart break- only bumps and bruises and superficial disappointments… but of course I quickly remembered that this is not the case. I have seen Daisy’s heart be broken- in fact, shattered. I would give anything in the universe for her to not know such sadness at only 4 years of age. But she does, and I can only hope that this experience will create an inner strength that will carry her through life.

There is an awful anticipation to these anniversaries. How can I be sure I am honoring these incredibly important people “enough”? How can it ever be enough? And in reality, what makes the actual day of the death any different from any other day of the year? I miss them just as much in September, as I do now on the brink of these anniversaries…

As the days creep by and we get closer and closer to February 5th, all I keep thinking is “last year at this time, Ezra was still with us”. It’s been 14 years since we’ve been able to say that about my mom. So hard to believe…

photo(17)

My mom was a tough lady. She ran a tight ship and was an amazing cook. She taught kindergarten. Later in her life, she discovered a love of the outdoors and even enjoyed fly fishing. My mom loved her three kids- fiercely and with every inch of her body. As a mom, I now know that kind of love. I am thankful for every day that I got to witness my mom’s love… what I wouldn’t give to have just one more day.

“It isn’t easy for any of us to transcend the past, or pain we might have suffered. Yet, there are gifts in those pains, and we can choose to let light into the dark places…” -SARK

xo

PS: Just in case you missed our SMA awareness video: http://vimeo.com/75769380

and our new website: www.heartsforezra.org