The last time we were in Austin, we had a beautiful 2.5 year old girl and an amazing brand new baby. In a period of 6 weeks, we sold our house, gave birth, packed our house, moved to a rental, and then finally made the move to Maine. That was July 2012. Summertime… boat rides, blueberry picking, swimming in the lake. Our biggest concern was finding a new home for our family. Our family… our 2 children and 2 dogs… we looked at dozens of homes- picturing our kids growing up in the bedrooms, playing in the yards. Where would they do homework? Hang out with their friends? What schools would they go to? We were so unaware. Blissfully unaware.

And 10 months later, our whole world has changed. Daisy had spring break from school, so it seemed natural to head back to Austin. During this trip, I was reunited with one of my very closest friends. I have not seen her since before our move. Every time I saw her during our week vacation, I broke down. It didn’t matter if it was in public at a bar, at her home, at a park… So many tears. I kept thinking- the last time I saw her, Ezra was here. The last time we hugged goodbye, Ezra was probably sandwiched between us. She probably kissed his head. Held his hand. So much has transpired. This friend photographed his birth and witnessed the moment he came into this world. She saw the support Ethan gave me during labor and just how hard a mama can work for her baby. She saw it all… and continues to. It’s not always neat and tidy- it is life and it is love.

Ethan and I were 2. We became 3. And then 4. How do we become 3 again?

Before having children, it was hard to imagine making room for them in our lives. How can we afford them? Will we still be able to go out and see music? Will we be “good” parents? Will we like being parents? How will it change our relationship? And then the baby comes. Suddenly it becomes incredibly difficult to remember life before baby.

So then imagine after learning how very large our hearts can grow- feeling how much joy and awe we have for these little beings- watching our daughter rise to the role of big sister… to lose our child. It is such an impossible feat. It’s not like the heart shrinks back to size after losing a child. The emptiness feels cavernous… 12 weeks ago tonight we lost him. Those eyes. That smile.

 

And so we found ourselves back in our old city. We visited our favorite spots, and ate way too many tacos. We created new memories with family and friends with lots of happy smiling photos, and always in the back of my mind was what the hell is going on. Ezra should be here with us. How did we come full circle back to the city that we love only 10 months later, but really a whole lifetime later?

I do love our Austin community. They have been incredibly supportive and often share their love and sadness with us openly. We appreciate it beyond words. To our Austin friends… thank you for making time to visit with us, to cry and laugh with us… we hope to see you all again soon.

xo