Listen to this. LOUDLY.

http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=53317436&ac=now

As I was getting dressed this morning, I was noticing all of the memory boxes I have lining the walls in my closet… one for my dad, two for my mom… and soon Ezra’s many boxes will join them. Photographs, journals, mementos. The boxes contain tangible reminders that these people I love were once here… that they lived and breathed and smiled in photos and affected lives. One of my mom’s boxes is filled with art that her kindergarten class drew for us after she died. A whole class of children who had to learn that it’s not just old dogs and grandparents that die. Their young, energetic teacher can disappear as well. The hand drawn pictures are full of rainbows and angels… simple stick figures complete with wings. Beautiful reflections of a child’s imagination of where they picture their teacher… our mom… to be.

I wonder where those kindergartners are now… they would be about 18 or 19 years old… my mom was part of their story. Of them having to learn a hard lesson about life. That sometimes there is death.

Last night at bedtime Daisy asked me “How come there is just one kid now? Who is going to be my brother?”

And just when I thought my heart couldn’t break any more… with those few words it did. My sister wrote me a very thoughtful card in which she described how one of the greatest gifts our parents gave her was her siblings. Siblings. The people who know me, sometimes, better than I know myself. The ones who understand it all. The ones who hold us up when we need it… or bring us back down when we need that. I don’t know what I would do without my sister and brother. I have a strong memory of meeting my brother outside Providence Hospital in El Paso, Texas… they think it’s brain cancer, he said. I crumbled to the ground and wept. He took my hand and pulled me up. We hugged so very tightly and haven’t let go of each other to this very day. Daisy needs a sibling. Not to replace Ezra, but because of Ezra. She has felt the unconditional love that comes from being a sibling. She loves her brother with every inch of her being. She has this love to share… its overflowing and effervescent and beautiful.

Thank god for Daisy.

IMG_5970 IMG_5960IMG_5964

This little one is simply amazing. She keeps us on our toes and is smart as a whip. My heart aches for her that she knows this type of loss. But as sad we are each and every day… she is our light.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEr9gMYdkHI

Last night was the 4 week anniversary of Ezra’s passing. It was an especially hard day for me with lots and lots of tears… a person really could drown in tears. The tears could just keep streaming down forever and ever and create a huge pool of grief to just sink into and never resurface. But that is not what happens for me. Somehow, at some point the tears stop for a moment. Sometimes they start again… but then eventually an eerie calm comes over me. And I breathe. One breathe at a time, that is all I have to do… that’s all I can do.

Here is an acoustic version of the Matisyahu song I linked to at the beginning…

http://matisyahuworld.com/videos/one-day-acoustic/

We are 4 days away from the first Hearts For Ezra Fundraiser! Please see our website: www.heartsforezra.org for more information! If you live in Maine, please consider coming out to Hall Dale High School in Farmingdale on Sunday March 10. Doors open at noon. We have a HUGE silent auction full of incredible donations… thank you to all the gift-basket-makers, the crafters, and businesses who have made donations. We are also thankful to each and every person who has donated their time, energy, and talents to making this a success From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

xoxo