It has been 2 years since he died (My Secret Pregnancy…). Leo’s death was so different from Ezra’s. We were able to make memories with Ezra. He met our extended family and friends. I nursed him, Ethan changed his diapers, Daisy read to him. Ezra was here. Leo disappeared before he arrived. One day I could feel him, active and strong. The next day… stillness. I carry so much self blame around Leo’s death. I knew something was wrong. I called my midwife and she came over. We heard his heart beat, strong and steady. But, I didn’t push to go in for an ultrasound. Regret is such a dangerous trap. I go round and round in my head. And even though I rationally know it will do me no good to go down this road, I can’t help myself. There is no way I can ever know if going in to see the doctor sooner would have saved Leo. And because of that, I carry his death differently. Have you ever regretted something so deeply that you know no matter what your spouse says, what your therapist says, what the doctors say- the regret is stuck? Regret like this can ruin a person. But I’ve done enough therapy to know that to some degree, I hold onto this regret intentionally because it means I have some element of control. If I had gone in, maybe they could have saved him. Not believing that means that everything is out of control and a healthy full term 36 week baby boy can just disappear. Without any answers as to why. Ethan and I couldn’t prevent or “fix” so much of what has happened to us. We didn’t know we were carriers of SMA before we got pregnant with Ezra (though now carrier screening is readily available: www.counsyl.com). Until he was 4 months old, we didn’t even know that we had passed this awful disease on to him. And then we couldn’t stop the disease from killing him. We certainly couldn’t have anticipated or prepared for my heart attack (My Broken Heart…). So, I grasp for control where I can find it. If I couldn’t protect Ezra and Leo, what makes me think I can keep Daisy and Ruby safe?

I know I will grieve my children’s deaths forever. Yes, the grief changes shape, but it never goes away. I remember being very worried about this when Ezra first died. How could I ever feel joy again? The sadness and emptiness in my heart seemed to override any happiness. But I have seen that I can hold both. Thank goodness- because there is a lot in life to feel joy over. As I’m writing this, Ruby is waking up from her nap and Daisy is upstairs cracking her up. The two of them love each other so much. Just listening to them laugh fills me up. Life is so complicated and beautiful and painful and sweet all at the same time. And yes, we did go on to adopt Ruby after losing Leo. But, please don’t entertain the thought that Leo’s death happened for a reason (Everything happens for a reason…). We are thankful every single day for these two vivacious, hilarious little girls. We are able to hold that love and appreciation  with the sadness over losing our boys. We can do this without justification or explanation.

This is a very challenging week for us- so many difficult anniversaries. Of course, anyone who has experienced a profound loss knows the grief feels the same in August as it does in February. But there is something about the return of the day the trauma happened. It leaves an imprint on our subconscious and I find that my heart remembers before my head does. I’m quick to tears, or I feel irritable. Then I check the calendar and it all makes sense. So many people that I love have reached out- they get it. They might even feel it too, in their own hearts. But we will get through this season of loss-buoyed by the love we feel from our community, and each other.

xo

daisy-ruby-standing IMG_4918

When Ruby came home from the hospital (Leap of Faith…) she weighed under 5 lbs. Following the instructions given to us, we were feeding her every 3 hours- mixing up jars of smelly formula, waking her up if needed to make sure she got enough to bulk up a bit. Ruby was gassy and uncomfortable. Because her adoption happened so close to losing our son, Leo I had a sense that I could probably start producing breastmilk, but after my surgery (My Broken Heart…), I was nervous for how it would affect my hormones and how that would affect my heart. I called the milk bank, but paying out of pocket for breast milk was incredibly expensive. I researched formulas and learned that Germany has 2 brands of formula that are suppose to be much more gentle on newborn bellies. The problem became access. There is one American based website that sells it, but they sell out minutes after posting they have it available. A friend in Germany sent me a few boxes, but I realized it just wasn’t sustainable. Then, an amazing woman in my town contacted me and said she had an abundance of milk she had pumped and there was no way her son could ever drink it all. I was overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness and generosity.

We began shifting Ruby’s bottles to breastmilk. And the change for Ruby was incredible. She was so much more comfortable and her system was running more smoothly, if you know what I mean. I became focused on accessing as much breast milk as I could. I put the word out to local moms that I was on the hunt for breastmilk. A friend in Portland offered to pump for me, which was so thoughtful. And then a friend contacted me and said her midwife had a client who had a sister who had visited and left a bunch of pumped milk. Okay. Accepting milk from friends felt very different than accepting milk from a woman I had never met. I decided to take the risk and go for it. By this point Ruby was no longer having formula and she was such a happier baby. I became a mama on a mission for breastmilk. I discovered a Facebook page called Human Milk for Human Babies (http://hm4hb.net/). I posted my need and moms with milk responded directly to me. I also responded to posts from moms who had extra milk to share. I was constantly searching for milk. The very first woman I met through this site lived about an hour from me. She had learned midway through her pregnancy that her baby was not going to survive after delivery. She carried the baby to term and delivered a stillborn son. This woman made the incredibly selfless decision to pump for a month and donate her milk to a baby in need. Ruby was the recipient of this mom’s milk. We were both in tears when we met. This was such a circle of experience and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for her gift.

Accessing milk became a huge focus of my day. I kept checking the site to comment on offers. I’d meet women at all times of the day and all over the place. I’d give them a gift card, and they would fill my cooler with milk. After a few weeks of connecting with women from Bangor to Portland, I had gathered enough donated milk that I needed to buy a deep freezer to make sure we properly stored the milk. At this point Ruby was 3 months old and I just kept telling myself we would do our best to keep her on breast milk for as long as possible. My goal was to get her to a year. There were a few times when we traveled that I was very nervous about keeping the breast milk properly frozen. We traveled to Austin and I was able to find a milk donor about an hour away who provided enough milk for Ruby for an entire week!

This week, Ruby turns 14 months old and I defrosted our last bag of breast milk. Aside from the important benefits I know Ruby has gotten from the breastmilk, a huge gift of all of this was meeting the incredible women who shared their milk with us. A few local women I met continued to pump for Ruby. Every few months I would meet up with them and we would restock our supply. One woman I met, who shared hundreds and hundreds of ounces of milk with us ,was a surrogate for twins. These are wonderful, loving woman who have made such an impact in our daughter’s life. I am forever grateful to them.

img_7631

xo

photo(10)

Dear Ezra,

Today should have been your 4th birthday. Your beautiful red hair might be shaggy. You might love snuggling with your sister on the couch as she reads to you. Maybe you’d be really into building lego creations with your dad. You definitely would be bringing joy and love to our family. There is this wall of time that keeps growing with each passing day, week, month. What I wouldn’t give to break down this wall and have just a few moments with you again. So many things tell me that a great deal of time has passed. Little boys your age are now running and wrestling and driving their big sisters crazy. I have to scroll back further and further on my phone to see photos of you. Daisy seems so little in those pictures. But you are frozen in time. You will forever be 8 months 6 days old. We have adopted a little baby girl. Not to replace you- no one could every replace you, sweet Ezra. But because you taught us how big our hearts could grow. Because we learned that we have the capacity to love another child as powerfully and wholly as we love Daisy. Because Daisy is an extraordinary big sister and that experience was stolen from her. On this, what would have been your 4th birthday, Ruby will be 8 months 4 days old. There is a dark irony to this- and to much of what has happened over the last 4 years. I wish I could have spared you this fate. I wish I could have spared our family, especially Daisy, the pain of losing someone we love so very much. We try hard to keep your spirit with us. We talk about you- especially to Ruby. Your pictures are all over our house. In our dining room, the lights flicker from time to time and we pretend it is you letting us know you are with us. And you are, sweet boy. You reside deep in my heart and I hold you there so tightly and with so much love. I miss you every single day. Every. Single. Day. It is a chronic ache that I can not put into words. If only I could break down this wall of time, for just a moment. To gaze into your big brown eyes, to smell your little toes, to hear your beautiful giggle. Today we will probably head to the ocean. It is where I like to go on anniversaries like this because the ocean is both calming and comforting to me. Being there makes me feel very small in the world and sometimes that just feels good. We will look for heart rocks and pretend they are little love messages from you. Because that is what we do- we look for you everywhere… to connect, to remember, to do our best to feel whole again. I love you.

xo

At a holiday party a few weeks ago, I met a woman who, after hearing that Ezra died, said those 5 dreaded words: Everything. Happens. For. A. Reason.

Here’s some advice, lady: never, ever tell a woman who has had a child (or 2, or 3) die, that everything happens for a reason. My children didn’t die for a reason. Or for some karmic magical twist of faith. They sure as hell didn’t die so Ruby could join our family. My children died because of genetic abnormalities, and rare complications from pregnancy. It was not fate. And it certainly was not for a reason.

I wish I’d had the guts to say that to her face. Instead, I can rant about it here. And maybe educate others to not say those 5 dreaded words. If you don’t know what to say, you can simply say “I’m so sorry” or “My heart goes out to you” or “thank you for sharing your story”. Even if you believe with every single bone in your body that things happen for a reason, resist the urge to say so.

The night of this party, a friend serendipitously sent me an article. It states my point so eloquently. We are coming on the first anniversary of so many traumas- delivering our stillbirth son, Leo on January 24, suffering a heart attack on January 30, followed by open heart surgery on February 1, and our 3rd anniversary of losing Ezra on February 5. How dare anyone say these events happened for a reason. I encourage you to read the article below…

~~~

Tim Laurence, a journalist and psychotherapist, has written a very insightful article where he discusses how much it’s really possible to help someone who’s grieving. He argues that it’s very important for us to be very careful what we say to people dealing with personal pain — the empty phrases we’re accustomed to offer can often hurt rather than help them despite our best intentions.

Tim himself knows what he’s talking about, having suffered huge personal loss at a young age. We think his insights are therefore well worth considering. Take a look.

’Not everything happens for a reason’: The magic words to say when everything’s going wrong

…I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident, and now she lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic, many of her hopes stolen.

I’ve heard it a million times before, but it never stops shocking me: He tells her that he thinks the tragedy had led to positive changes in her life. He utters the words that are nothing less than emotional, spiritual, and psychological violence:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

He tells her that this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow. But that’s the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it’s categorically untrue.

After all these years working with people in pain as an advisor and adversity strategist, it still amazes me that these myths persist despite the fact that they’re nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication. And worst of all, they keep us from doing the one thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

Here’s the reality: As my mentor Megan Devine has so beautifully said: ’Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.’

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed. These things can only be carried.

Let me be clear: If you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way that your tragedy was meant to be, happened for a reason, will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Yes, devastation can lead to growth, but it often doesn’t. It often destroys lives — in part because we’ve replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes.

I now live an extraordinary life. I’ve been deeply blessed by the opportunities I’ve had and the radically unconventional life I’ve built for myself.

But loss has not in and of itself made me a better person. In fact, in some ways it’s hardened me.

While loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it’s also made me more inclined to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature and a greater impatience with people who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I’ve been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. In short, my pain has never gone away, I’ve just learned to channel it into my work with others. But to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young, all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I did but who did not make it.

I’m simply not going to do that. I’m not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others, just so that I could do what I do now. And I’m certainly not going to pretend that I’ve made it simply because I was strong enough, that I became “successful“ because I ”took responsibility.“

I think people tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.

Understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: It’s sanctimonious porn.

Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don’t choose whether you grieve. We’re not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don’t get to escape grieving.

This is why all the platitudes and focus on ”fixes“ are so dangerous: by unleashing them on those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve.

In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they’re standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.

The irony is that the only thing that even can be ”responsible” amid loss is grieving.

I’ve grieved many times in my life. I’ve been overwhelmed with shame so strong it nearly killed me. The ones who helped — the only ones who helped — were those who were simply there.

I am here — I have lived — because they chose to love me. They loved me in their silence, in their willingness to suffer with me and alongside me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes. Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.

Healing and transformation can occur. But not if you’re not allowed to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.

The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live, how to carry what we have lost, how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief.

Yet our culture treats grief like a problem to be solved or an illness to be healed. We’ve done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. So that now, when you’re faced with tragedy, you usually find that you’re no longer surrounded by people — you’re surrounded by platitudes.
So what do we offer instead of “everything happens for a reason”?

The last thing a person devastated by grief needs is advice. Their world has been shattered. Inviting someone — anyone — into their world is an act of great risk. To try to fix, rationalize, or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. To literally say the words:

I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you’re going to do something. That’s not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to do everythingbut something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act for others than acknowledgement.

And that requires no training, no special skills — just the willingness to be present and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Don’t leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In fact, it’s when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it’s in those places — in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter — where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

I beg you, be one of these people.

You are more needed than you will ever know. And when you find yourself in need of those people, find them. I guarantee they are there.

Everyone else can go.’

 

xo

 

On October 15th, I shared a post on Facebook:
“Ethan, Daisy and I are very excited to introduce you to the newest member of our family, Ruby Rose Bessey born September 26, 2015. We are in love…”

I think we almost broke Facebook! The outpouring of love and support was incredible. I could truly feel the genuine joy that our greater community felt for us. Due to the slightly vague nature of my post, a good friend said that she thought there was probably a lot of people doing math that night… because just 9 months ago, I was still pregnant with our son Leo. Nine months ago, having a heart attack was the furthest thing from my mind. And little baby boy clothes filled the dresser.

But here we are.

For those of you who have followed our story, you know we have been very open about our experiences. From losing our son, to shifting our vision for our family, to delivering our still birth son, Leo, to suffering a heart attack a week later… if you scroll back through my blog, it’s all there.

But adoption is different. This isn’t just about our family, and it feels inappropriate to share details. I can tell you that our daughter, Ruby, is adopted. The doctors were very clear that it would be dangerous for me to get pregnant again. Adoption is a heart wrenching, bittersweet process that brings together strangers in a very intimate way. Previously, when I was pregnant, I took prenatal vitamins. I never ate sushi, or drank alcohol. And despite all my efforts, I learned that sadly, I don’t have any control over the outcome of the pregnancy. You can imagine how hard it is then to have even less control. With adoption, adopting parents have no control over what a birth mother is eating and drinking and smoking. Access to prenatal care can be spotty. It’s all a huge leap of faith. And as a very wise friend of mine pointed out, Ethan and I have no reason whatsoever to trust leaps of faith. So, I have no idea why we thought we should move ahead with adopting. But we did. And now we are home with a beautiful little bundle of amazingness. Daisy has a sister. We are a family of four. Really, a family of 7. Daisy’s been talking a lot about the babies we have lost. She is so wise beyond her years and truly understands the inner emotional roller coaster Ethan and I have been going through since adoption became a reality for us. We love Ruby as though she grew in my belly. Her little sounds, her loud cries, her tiny onesies do remind all of us of the babies that did not get to grow up in our home. And while a few out there may think “oh good- now this family can heal and be all better”, most of you know that there will never be an “all better” for us. Ruby is not a bandaid to make the pain of our losses go away. I would never ever put that on any child. She will grow and thrive in this family- and Ruby will always know that although she did not grow in my belly, we got to her as soon as we could to bring her home. And the home we brought her to is full of love, and sadness, and joy, and gratitude. So much gratitude.

 

B0249

Speaking of gratitude… A huge thank you to Brianne with www.179photography.com/ for capturing some beautiful images of our family… and for the wonderful women at KV Coaching who gifted us this session.

xo

I’m two months post-op. Just 9 weeks ago, I found myself lying on the bathroom floor thinking I was going to die of a heart attack and it seems hard to believe that two months have already gone by. I don’t think I’ve ever had two months of my life where I have done so little- just simply resting, sleeping and trying to piece together all that has happened since January.  My strength is growing, confidence in my heart is slowly getting better- overall, my body is healing. It is truly amazing how resilient our bodies can be. But how about our emotional well being? Is that as quick to heal?

There are times when my arms physically ache to carry our baby. I must admit, what touches my heart more than seeing infants or pregnant bellies, is when I see siblings interacting. I just want that so badly- especially for Daisy. She craves a sibling with every inch of her body. And so Ethan and I are once again considering other ways to grow our family. We know that we can not have a biological child- it could be very dangerous for me to get pregnant again. So our thoughts turn to other ways of adding a child to our home- adoption and surrogacy. There are so many children in the world in need of love and protection. We know we can provide that. We’ve been doing research on domestic and international adoption and on surrogacy and embryo donation. We are trying to decide if we have it in us to start this process. I feel very protective of Daisy and want to be sure we are intentional about any child we bring into our family.

The whole reason I started this blog 2.5 years ago was to see if there was anyone, anywhere who could help us with Ezra’s diagnosis. Over the years, it has turned into a cathartic way for me to both document our experience and keep our community updated on how things are going.  And now after our most recent losses, I am thankful for the opportunity to once again reach out and see if there is anyone out there who can help us. I have heard about serendipitous scenarios where a woman is seeking an adoptive family for her baby and is connected with a couple looking to adopt. Or where a woman is interested in being a surrogate and is looking for a family who cannot get pregnant on their own to work with. I would like to think that by putting it out into the universe that we would love to add to our family, somehow a connection can be made.

It is important to me to express how incredibly grateful we are for our Daisy. I recognize that there are many, many couples who struggle with having even one child.  Some may think, “these people should just be happy with the child they have”. And we are. Every. Single. Day. Ethan and I constantly say to each other how very lucky we are to have Daisy in our lives. She is our miracle child. And if adoption and surrogacy do not work out, our family of 3 will continue to hold each other close and be thankful for each day we have together.

xo

In my last blog post, I asked the question, How much loss can our spirits take? As it turns out, last week I guess my spirit had reached it’s limit.

Friday, January 30th. Ethan, Daisy and I were piled in our bed daydreaming of warm, beautiful places we could go visit over winter break. We needed to get away. To feel the sun. To be together as a family and find our smiles.

It was just before dinnertime and I began to feel awful. Ethan opened a window for me to cool my suddenly burning body. I asked Daisy to go play in her room. I made my way to the bathroom, unsure if I was going to be sick. I then felt a crushing sensation in my chest and my arm went numb. I told Ethan to call 9-1-1.

Our next call was to one of our very amazing friends who swept in and picked up Daisy so she wouldn’t be there when the ambulance arrived. It took the ambulance 20 minutes to arrive at our home and when the EMTs came upstairs, I remember begging them to help me. That nothing could happen to me. One of the men curtly told me to “calm down, Ma’am… just take a deep breath, Ma’am… I can almost promise you, you aren’t having a heart attack, Ma’am”.

Because of the snow, they couldn’t get the ambulance up our driveway and I had to walk down to the truck. I finally laid down on the stretcher, they hooked me up to a machine and the EMT promptly apologized. “Remember how I said you weren’t having a heart attack? I was wrong.”

A HEART ATTACK? I am 39 years old. I eat a very healthy diet. I used to teach yoga. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.

They brought me to the closest hospital and a team of doctors were waiting. More machines were attached to my chest, more medicine was administered to stabilize me. I told everyone within ear shot that I had a 5 year old daughter who had been through enough loss and needs her mom. The cardiologist came up to me with a grandfatherly, loving smile, looked right into my eyes and said “you will be fine. I know I will see you again.”

I was then quickly transferred back to the ambulance for a very snowy drive down to Maine Medical Center in Portland. The plan was to go right into their Catheterization Lab so the cardiologist there could take a look at my heart and see what was going on. Because I had responded so well to the meds, they decided to hold off on the Cath Lab until the next day, so my heart would have a chance to rest.

On Saturday morning, the visit to the Cath lab provided a lot of information. Ethan did a good job of keeping our friends and family informed by sending out informational emails…

From Ethan:

This morning Emily was taken into the Catheterization lab and the procedure was done in about 30 minutes.  She has what they are calling a Coronary Artery Dissection AND a Stress Cardio Myopathy. The good news is that they didn’t have to put in a stent or a balloon and she didn’t need a bypass.  They found the area in the artery where the dissection was and it appeared that it had healed itself.  They did see that the artery was constricted and she was put on Heparin (a blood thinner). It’s unclear exactly what caused the dissection, but we are told pregnancy and birth can sometimes cause it with the introduction of hormones that can affect the walls of the arteries.  In any event, the dissection was causing a constriction and the catheterization showed that it had healed itself and would improve. The more tricky news is that in addition to the dissection they found that her heart was not performing at full strength.  Where a normal heart might operate at 60% efficiency, hers was operating at 30%.  So, they went in to deal with the arteries and potential blockages, and found her heart not doing well. The ECG shows what looks to be a Stress Cardio Myopathy, also called Takotsubo, also known as Broken Heart Syndrome: http://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy-broken-heart-syndrome . As the name implies, when someone (almost always a woman) experiences tremendous stress or trauma, the heart might not be able to take it.  It could be a sudden death in the family or traumatic news… given recent events and what Emily has been through over the past few years it seems to be a fitting description.

So, it appeared I had 2 conditions affecting my heart- an artery dissection and also something called Broken Heart Syndrome. Seriously. I cannot make this stuff up. The doctors called me “a mystery” and an “enigma”. They said they have only seen a few cases like this- especially in such a young person. The good news was that it seemed my body was healing itself. I felt comforted to be under such wonderful care and hoped to be heading home soon.

On Sunday, a good friend came to see me, and a few minutes into our visit I started feeling pressure in my chest. I called a nurse over and they wanted to immediately move me back down to the Cath Lab.

Another update from Ethan:

This afternoon, Emily was moved back to the catheterization lab after having some symptoms in her chest and they found the artery was 90% constricted. The head of the Cath lab called in a heart surgeon, and the decision was made that Emily needed bypass surgery. She was taken in yesterday around 3PM and at 7PM the surgeon reported that everything had gone well and they had in fact done 2 bypasses.  By 8PM I could go see her and by 9PM they were able to extubate her (take the breathing tube out).  When I left last night, she was able to communicate a little bit and was in a great deal of pain.  Last night was very hard for her and I’m sure very uncomfortable. For those of you familiar with the procedure, either from a medical standpoint or from personal experience, it’s a fairly standard operation and one that people much, much older and sicker than Emily recover from fully.  For the rest of us, the thought of stopping the heart and going in through the chest to do what they need to do is terrifying.  Emily is receiving excellent care and all of my questions are being answered as best they can.

Double bypass, open heart surgery. Holy Crap. The week in ICU passed in a blur of blood draws, beeping machines, kind and loving nurses, compassionate doctors, pain, tears, gratefulness and fear.

At the end of this, I am left with a few different things. The least of my worries is my new, crazy big scar running down the center of my chest. Much more importantly, I now have a great deal of fear that my heart is just going to stop someday. That I won’t get to see Daisy grow up. That our family will face more loss. But, most importantly, I am left with an immense amount of gratitude. I am grateful we did not hesitate to call 9-1-1. I am grateful the doctors at our local hospital knew to transfer us to Portland. I am thankful the head of the Cath Lab was on call all weekend and we had the best of the best care. I am beyond grateful for Ethan’s love and his positivity, his questions and his advocacy. I am thankful for Ethan’s parents’ unconditional caring for Daisy, and for my siblings flying in to share their love and support. Every message, email, phone call… At the risk of sounding dramatic, I am just so very thankful to be here to witness it all.

The end of the week, which came just one week after facing the unfathomable loss of our full term baby son (https://ezradavid.wordpress.com/2015/01/29/my-secret-pregnancy/), found Ethan and I grasping to understand what had happened. And with an arsenal of medications and a new understanding of cardiac terminology, I picked up my broken heart and headed home.

 xo